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Going Green

May 13, 2013

As we get closer and closer to our family vacation I find it harder and harder to stay on subject for BEDM. My apologies if I stray or fall completely off target. It’s only slightly on purpose.

Today I am posting late for another reason: honesty. I don’t know how honest I want to be. But I guess if I am being honest then I should just go all the way. Not on this blog, but my battles with alcohol and some (most) prescriptions is pretty well documented elsewhere. Worst of all the nightmares and chills of my wife and daughters. I won’t go into it here, Visual Gags are for getting better. But I am not cut out for honesty. Not usually. Not where my medication is concerned. Usually anything taken to help my mind has either lifted it up or slowed it down and I don’t have a preference. Anything that gets me out of right now, that stops me from feeling trapped in my own thoughts or can lead me down a road that is not filled with
Hollywood hustle is ok by me. More then ok. THAT is my preference.

Then there is cannabis. Still with me? I don’t use the “W” or “M” words because a) they are throwback scare tactics, b) I tell my daughter it’s medicine. By the laws of the state I live in, I am being honest. By the laws that govern my mind and my self, I am being genuine.

I’m not going to bore you with statistics, hippy conspiracy theories or natural-vs-chemical-GIF-warfare. I don’t need to. I have a hard enough time reconciling it in my mind. I hide it at home and in public (usually). I feel like a criminal (I spared you all the pro-med stuff, spare me the “you-are-a-criminal” rhetoric). There is a disconnect that I can’t make. Sure, I enjoy my medicine. Would it be bad if I were enjoying the Percocet and Xanax I can still get prescribed at the drop of the hat, even if I were taking it as prescribed?

I can get into the history of my decision-making some other time. I never even tried cannabis recreationally until I was in my twenties. But the Cliff Notes version of the most important part of the story is this: I may have fallen asleep early and missed our favorite show on occasion. I have laughed a little too hard at something that wasn’t even funny to begin with. I have not blacked out and all but destroyed any of the relationships in my life. I have, occasionally, made a small, legal, income preparing baked medicine for others. The most important fact isn’t even an argument. Whatever side you are on it remains a fact that I have essentially traded one medicine for the others. But I traded a fucked-up me for a slightly less broken,
more functional me.

Oh and before any straight-edged white-kid parents start harping about the dangers of cannabis in the home, it’s not about hiding and deception, it’s about knowledge and being straight forward with your kids. Ask yourself when have your kids ever asked to take smelly medicine? Mine either.

In My Ears: NOFX – I’ve Become A Cliche
In My Heart: Recovery

Simple Question

Simple Question

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From → #BEDM, Personal(ity)

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