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My Wife’s New Clothes

December 21, 2012

Mrs. Whatever recently pointed out that our four year old, Kadie, is quicker about getting to the point AND better about telling a sharp, concise story, then I am. Anyone who has a four year old, especially a daughter, will tell you this is either impossible or really fucking sad. It is not impossible.

Mrs. Whatever also hit me with the fact that she can no longer stand her body. She has a lot of medical issues (and we don’t have a lot of money) so I really thought she was lamenting on her desire to feel better. She explained she meant her body. The outside of her in. Her birthday suit. This was not what I was expecting. As long as I can remember she has always been the most beautiful woman I know. She’s had her ups and down (puns half intended). Personally I think she looks great. Better than great. Greater than great.

I don’t claim to have the credentials for being a judge on physical appearance. I can’t guess anyone’s weight at the fair and the only heights I know are mine and a smurf (three apples). I don’t even know how tall Yoda is! As far as the current “standards” of beauty, sure Angelina Jolie looks great but is probably too skinny naked. Brad Pitt probably looks fantastic naked, but I don’t want to fuck him (sorry, Brad).

I know self-perception is the key and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I honestly think that once I finish my dental work I’m going to be hunted by the governments of the world in an attempt to clone my gorgeous ass. And I know I am rubbish. Mrs. Whatever is the real deal. I’m also fairly certain that my worse-than-a-four-year-old long-winded rants aren’t going to change the way she sees herself but if anyone deserves one, it’s her.

“I’d think you were beautiful even if you were naked” – Maj. Frank Burns

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